Sunday, 23 November 2008

The Smart Fairy and the Silly Wizard

Once upon a time, in a country close close by, lived a smart fairy and a silly wizard. The smart fairy was very smart and the silly wizard was very very silly.

One day the silly wizard wanted to conjure up someone to play with. He said the magic spell, 'Sim Sa La Bim', waved his wand and in a puff of smoke, a small green bush appeared. 'That's not someone to play with!', thought the silly wizard. But then a short man with a monkey face popped up from behind the bush and said in a Texan accent 'Hi y'all, my name is George!'. The silly wizard disliked the man instantly and waved his wand again to make him go away.

Let's try another spell, thought the silly wizard. 'Sim Sa La Bam' he said while he waved his wand again. Again the bush appeared, but this time most of the population of the USA popped up from behind it, saying 'we love democracy!'.

'How does that happen', said the silly wizard to the smart fairy who had been watching and chuckling, 'Why can't I magic up someone sensible to play with?'. 'But don't you know the wizard's eleventh rule?' said the smart fairy, 'the one that says that a wizard can never conjure up anything less silly than himself?' The silly wizard grumbled a reply and went to bed.

Saturday, 28 December 1996

Gabrielle and Kes cross-over story

written sometime around 1996.

In episode 5.1 of ST:Voy the captain is negotiating on a planet where the
people only want to talk with the highest ranking person. The ship meanwhile
receives a distress call and goes off to investigate. They discover that it
wasn't a distress call, but that there is a fierce battle going on between a
ship and big space dwelling creatures. These creatures emit high pitched
electromagnetic shrieks, on all frequencies. Some of those Voyager
misinterpreted as a distress call. The alien ship seems to be losing the

Contact is made with the ship and on the view screen we see the very
distorted image of Leia: Starwars Princess. We also recognise that this time
Leia is played by Renee O'Connor! She says that her ship is about to
explode, so everybody is quickly transported over to Voyager. Leia rushes to
the bridge, and orders all food replicators to be shut down and a zigzag
course to be laid in towards the centre of the group of space creatures.

Chacotay protests that he is in command of the vessel. Tuvok explains that
on a Starfleet vessel there's a strict hierarchy, but during his speech the
first volley of energy discharges hit the ship and drain the shields to 50%.
Paris and Kim have been looking at Leia ever since she entered the bridge,
totally smitten with her elf-like appearance. 7/9 followed Kim's gaze and
when she reached Leia, she was stuck as well. 'Now I want to be human!' she
exclaimed. Leia ignored all this and looked straight at Tuvok while she
slowly started to dance. With subtly seductive hip and midriff movements she
slowly walked up to Tuvok, whose hands, and than his whole body, started to
shake. Having come up to his console she reached out to him with her hands
and without touching followed the contours of his body. He clearly was
totally immersed in her. She suddenly leapt on top of his console and
grabbed his face strongly between her hands. Instead of kissing him, for
which Tuvok closed his eyes, she bit him in the neck.

Tuvok fell on the ground, shaking, and Leia had a large piece of bleeding
flesh half hanging out of her mouth. Tuvok's eyes opened widely and with his
skin tingling all over his body he rose. 'I think she should get control' he
stated, out of breath but calmly. Leia jumped down from the console and took
the piece of flesh from her mouth and held it between her hands. It
disintegrated into blue light particles that spread out over her body, which
she accepted with pleasure, and lust. When her body had absorbed everything,
Leia placed one hand on her naked belly and burbed. 'Take him to prison' she
said while pointing at Chacotay. She had recognised from his tattoo that he
was made immune to her ritual for capturing someone's spirit.

With the shields only at 1%, the ship finally followed her instructions to
the letter and the attacks ceased. Mentally she cursed that Indian tribe
that also made her lose the previous ship. They arrived at the centre of the
group, where the biggest space creature was. This was the queen.

Photon torpedoes were armed, fired, re-armed and fired again, until the
creature's queen was completely dead. The food replicators were switched
back on and the smell of the possibility of food, coming from the centre of
the group, was not offensive and threatening any more to the creatures. They
now even accepted Voyager as their new queen. Leia ordered to release a
honey-like substance in large quantities into space. The creatures crawled
around Voyager, ate the honey substance and made pleasure noises. 'Now this
ship finally can go home' Leia said and they set course to earth, surrounded
and protected by the creatures, whose wake even speeded up their voyage.
Janeway was never seen again.

Back in ancient Greece (ep 4.1), Xena mourned the loss of Gabrielle. She was
sitting near a camp fire. With the flames lighting her face we could see Xena
was fighting the most difficult battle of her life: against her own tears.

The flames went out. In the darkness, we could just about make out that the
ashes reshaped themselves into the lovely image of Gabrielle. Xena thought
she was going mad and slapped her own face.

'That's what I can do,' a voice said behind Xena. She quickly stood up,
turned around and draw her sword. The person standing there was Kes. 'I saw
your friend was in trouble,' Kes explained, 'because time didn't exist for
me. I entered her thoughts and with my matter controlling skills I let her
plunge into harmless water, so she didn't die.'

'So why are you here, and not Gabrielle?' Xena asked, smiling because she
thought she had spotted the flaw in the explanation. 'But I am Gabrielle,'
Kes said. 'It's all very confusing, but when I entered her thoughts, we both
became what we wanted to be. I believe she's now between the stars living
out her own fantasies. I always aspired to be good and unselfish, which
Gabrielle succeeds in better than I ever did. I transformed her body to look
like mine, to try to avoid some of the confusion.' Xena relaxed and put her
sword back, on her back. 'Very well. I believe you for now.'

In the morning Xena was teaching Kes to fight with the staff. Kes's body was
strong, and skills from Gabrielle remained, but Kes's mind had never done it
before. But Kes learned fast. In the afternoon Xena took Kes along to the
castle of King Krexasis, who had asked Xena to join a little celebration he
had. Xena was curious, so she had decided to go. Just before entering the
city, Xena and Kes were attacked by a group of bandits. Xena's sword, her
flips and kicks and Kes's staff knocked out many people, but there were too
many bandits and they fought too organised, so they managed to capture Xena.
They left Kes alone, because they did not know who she was. Xena was brought
to Krexasis's castle, where the celebration could begin.

The former warlord and now king Krexasis wanted to recapture his former
glory. He needed Xena's bad side and he would integrate it with his own.
Together they would be Xenasis and rule the world. Ares would be pleased. In
fact, he was present. It was going to be a difficult procedure, splitting
Xena's personality, putting them into two bodies, integrating one of them
with Krexasis body and personality. Many gods were necessary to accomplish
this and Ares had done all the groundwork already.

When Kes finally entered the room in the castle where all this was taking
place, after much pleading, persuading, deceiving, seducing and staff
swinging, the good and the bad Xena were already separated. The bad Xena was
of course not sticking to any agreement and she killed Krexasis, as well as
anybody who came near her. The good Xena tried to treat the wounds of the
fallen soldiers and she pleaded with her bad self to stop.

Ares saw that a Xena who couldn't lead an army because she killed any
soldier who came near her, wasn't going to be very useful, so he started to
reintegrate the two Xenas. But both turned to Ares and asked him not to do
it. The bad Xena couldn't see any use for her good side, it only held her
back, while the good Xena couldn't bear being one again with the side she
despised. The way the procedure was, Ares could not continue unless there
was at least one mortal who wanted it. And Kes was the only other mortal
left. Did she have to save the life of the two Xenas, one of which she
certainly couldn't stand and the other was probably also going to be too
spineless to be liked. Or did she have to bring back the original Xena, who
she had already grown to like?

Kes sat down on the ground. This was exactly the kind of thing she wanted to
avoid by becoming Gabrielle. Kes, back on Voyager, would choose the selfish
option and get the one back she liked, for that reason only. But it meant
killing two people. However, if she did nothing, she would not directly be
involved in the murder of the real Xena, so she wouldn't have any blood on
her hands. Would Gabrielle choose that? Kes didn't know. She honestly didn't
know. She wasn't Gabrielle, she was Kes, and no amount of soul searching is
going to change that. There was no point trying to be someone else, she
thought, you always have to be yourself. This thought transformed Kes back
as Gabrielle and Gabrielle back as Kes.

Would Gabrielle ask for her friend to be returned, even if it means killing
two other people? Well, only Gabrielle knows...

The next day we see Gabrielle and Xena walking through the woods. Xena looks
like she gained the calm of Gabrielle, while Gabrielle almost seems a fusion
between Xena's good side and Gabrielle's impatient nature. The way it looks,
the real Gabrielle as we know her is gone.

Monday, 8 January 1996

Hattie's Holly (Red Dwarf fan fiction)

Shot inside the Red Dwarf. Our guys entering the canteen after they've just found RD back. Holly Hattie is sitting at a table, in full human form. Her head is resting on the table and tears are coming from her eyes.

All: What's wrong?

Holly: Everything is wrong, that's what's wrong. Everything.

They walk towards her, while her head is still lying on the table. They try to lift her to her feet. Then suddenly her arms and legs start to move around spastically. They quickly put her back in her chair.

Holly: You see? I told you everything was wrong!

Kryten: But what happened?

Holly: Aliens came, that's what happened. They said they had received orders to give someone on a ship called 'Red Dwarf' a new body. They said that person really wanted a new body. Since I was the only one on board...

Rimmer: Lister, if you had paid attention where you were parking

Lister: Oh, shut up Rimmer.

Cat: But what was that with your arms? You don't call that dancing, do you?

Holly: I've never had a body. I've never learned to use arms and legs, so now I can't control them. It is hell. I don't want a body. A body doesn't suit me.

Lister: I don't know. You're quite a babe!

Kryten: We must get you back. Holly, how can we get you back?

Holly: I don't know, I'm just a stupid humanoid now. You can't fit an IQ of 6,000 in those tiny brains of yours.

Cat: Can't we just slit her into the floppy drive?

Rimmer: This is pathetic!

Lister: No, I think you've got something there.

Cat: Three times in one lifetime? Soon I won't be needing a steam iron to iron my clothes!

Lister: If we could just record Holly's personality on a disc, like I did in the Hologram Projection Suite to give Rimmer his Deathday present, then we could just feed the disc to the main computers.

Cat: So it's a good thing you didn't give him a tie after all.

The skutters, having overheard the conversation and being assertive as they are, come in with a stretcher to carry Holly to the HPS.

New scene, also last scene of this extremely short episode, shows Hattie's face on a computer screen, looking really happy.

Holly: Thank you guys!

All: And we live happily ever after!
This all evidently has one obvious and blatant ('...such a big one, that...') purpose, namely to point out that Hattie Hayridge belongs on screen. Brought to you by the Hattie Hayridge Lobby.

Monday, 20 November 1995

The Story of the Skutters

The Skutters are the maintenance robots on the Red Dwarf.

Hopelessly drifting through space. Energy resources of the minimally sized escape pod depleted. Backup energy resources handed over to evil, unmentionable, beings to save their lifes. All John Wayne tapes worn out; VCR broken anyway. And worse of all: the pod doesn't seem to have any kind of vacuum cleaner to get rid of all the dust that has collected over all those years.

Not that it matters: the pod's tendency to take a right-hand turn, combined with the fact that the engines are off, suggests that they are quickly accelerating into the gravity well of that nicely looking planet they can just see through the pod's windscreen. Nicely looking indeed, lots of trees, water, beaches and cinema's, but what good's that going to be if you die on impact?

Approximately four years ago, our skutters, Cheecie and Weecie, were working on the Red Dwarf. Bringing tea, coffee, popcorn and beer-milkshakes to the people 'on board', doing simple repairs and any other things certain crew members told them to do. They even had on screen parts in the first season, but were written off for the remainder of the series.

Then, when six seasons had been recorded and the set had been empty for a long time, Cheecie said he was no longer cleaning up this smeg and Weecie vowed to stop toilet cleaning forever. They devised a plan to get away. The escape pod, still on the set after recording Rimmerworld, was boarded and launched, through the window, into deep space.

After one year being totally bored inside the escape pod, something finally happened. They managed to fly precisely through that very small window to the opposite reality. The opposite reality is a reality in which everything happens opposite to ours. When you turn left, your opposite counterpart turns right. When you say no, the other one says yes. Even Magaret Thatcher, former PM of the UK, was known there as the velvet-lady, because of her gentle policies. Or even more unimaginable: the US did say yes to Lubbers as Nato-secretary.

Cheecie and Weecie never really entered that opposite reality, though. At the exact same time they flew through the window, their counterparts did so too in the opposite direction. A gigantic collision was the inevitable result. For the four years between season six and seven they were stuck exactly between those two opposite realities; a place where nothing happened, because nothing could happen. Both realities nullified each other. Absolute boredom. It was only when preparations for recording season seven started, that the gravity from the Red Dwarf-model on the set started to pull them back.

Meanwhile all kinds of evil beings were generated from the writers' brains. Our duo had the misfortune to prematurely catch up with them on their way back and was suffering like in hell. And if the suspense has now risen to bursting levels, if you really want to know what happened to them, then I can just say: 'Sorry, I can't tell you. It would be a spoiler for season seven.' (All: 'You goit!')

About that planet they were accelerating towards: it was earth of course and their impact was broken by a nice catch from Lister (CC), not only a master at pool, but now also a baseball-champ.

The writer says sorry to all those that now feel they've wasted their time reading all this.

Tuesday, 29 August 1995

A bit on a disk

Our Bit was the middleman. Or so he called himself. His superiors had more weight and were always more important. There were some bits with less influence, but they had never listened to him, so he lost interest in them. He never listened to his bosses either, he had a quite strong opinion of his own. Often there was external interest in his views and then they asked him what he thought, whether he was a supporter of plan A or B, whether he witnessed an event as possibility 1 or 2. He was always glad to give his opinion, they always took his word for granted. It was what gave him his confidence.

But as often happens, confidence faltered. Our Bit couldn't see what the meaning of his existence was. In earlier days he hadn't cared. He had a firm believe in his opinion, people asked his opinion and they always believed it. Without doubt. What more do you want from life? Now he couldn't see his influence on the big plan of life, let alone what this big plan was. He began to care. It didn't suffice anymore to know that some other bits agreed with him, others just didn't. He wanted to know why. He wanted to know why his contribution, which after all was only a slight variation on the stand his superiors took on the world's affairs, was considered essential by these external people, these journalists that kept asking them questions. Why did they think it was so important what he thought, that they never skipped his opinion when they were looking for the big picture. Why did he think it was so important what he thought, after all he could just follow the general direction set out by his superiors and not put in this subtle deviation of his. What made his inferiors so sure they had to differ from his vision, providing a view in such small detail that these differences were entirely academic, they could never be important in a real world. But still all bits persisted, doubts or no doubts, whether they were understood by other bits or not. They all felt their life had a meaning, they were sure of it, though they could not see it.

A lot of arguments broke out. Apart from having their superior and inferior bits as their neighbours, which kept things in some order, the bits also were in contact with bits in the neighbouring tracks. Sometimes these other neighbours were of the same rank as your bosses and they joint forces to make life miserable for you. Sometimes the boss-bits disagreed and started a hideous fight among themselves. Even lower bits could make life difficult, especially when they had the same views. If you were lucky you met a bit of your own rank who agreed with you completely, maybe even one like that on each side. Admittedly this can be boring, but bits who were in those circumstances enjoyed life more than all the others.

Then life changed. The journalists, who had become important to the bits because they were the only ones never to question them, always to trust them, had gained some trust in return. The journalists themselves had a story to tell and the bits had to listen. Our bit protested at first and tried to resist, because his views, his long held believes, were clearly different. But then the journalists said that everything had changed, so his part in life had to change too, to adhere to the new grand plan of life. He wanted to know what it meant, what this grand plan was, what his part in this was, but they just told him to trust them. They had always had the general overview, they knew best. He felt he could better give in, since he had never known even the meaning of his own existence, how could he argue with beings that knew everything, always had done and always would?

Reassured that his place in life was the right one, he felt happy. He knew even less about the meaning of his existence than before this existence was so severely shaken up. But he felt happy.